What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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