omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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