So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
