Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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