all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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