Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
