That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
