the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
