don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
honey bunches of taint.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
