found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
