When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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