Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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