If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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