he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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