My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
