i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize