Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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