Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize