while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
