sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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