that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
