i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize