that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
