I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
