why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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