She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
