Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize