I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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