someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My breath smells like gin and sadness
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize