All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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