So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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