So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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