I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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