This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
