Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
