My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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