i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
