so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
