I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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