Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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