Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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