Got a toothbrush?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
