i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
