Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
