Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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