FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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