I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
