just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize