There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
