The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
