It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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