Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think my vagina is haunted
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize