Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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