you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
