yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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