____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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