everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
