I bet he comes in French.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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