May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
