Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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