we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
