You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
