I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
