I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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